Pain
by Shang Hai
Summary: Dib becomes hysteric because of the pains of life. He retreats into his nightmares and begins loosing his way out. Only one person can save Dib from his own mind.
1. I Am Full Of Doubts

Hey. I'm back.  
  
Warning: O_O I'm scaring myself writing this, so... ^_^ ZADR in later chapters. I like that pairing SO much ^_^ Yaoi forever!  
  
~~...~~ Voice 1 in head  
  
~~~...~~~ Voice 2 in head  
  
*...* thinking  
  
"..." speaking (duh)  
  
Thinking is in Dib's POV  
  
Disclaimer: Invader Zim doesn't belong to me  
  
*I guess I've felt it in my heart for awhile. The unsettling feeling that something horrible, and life shattering is going to happen. Usually we just pass it off for something stupid, like heartburn, and never think of it again.*  
  
Dib stood on the stoop of his house, staring.  
  
*I suppose I just put it off like to others. Ignored the signs. I could always feel their pain... Their ignorance hurt me.*  
  
He stood there, wide eyed, blood splattered across his face, and dripping off of his hands.  
  
* All signs pointed to me. But I didn't do it! I used that knife to butter my toast... that was it. I never plunged it through their skin. Never stabbed them mercilessly until I could wade in their blood. I was out... doing what I did everyday, now, since Zim left. I was wandering the streets. I wasn't there!*  
  
Tears swelled up in his eyes, mixing with the blood, causing reddened tears to fall down his cheeks.  
  
*I knew I shouldn't go near them. I knew that they were dead... but my body couldn't believe it. It refused to believe. I knew I shouldn't touch them... but I couldn't help it. Their skin was so cold under my fingers... So lifeless... So dead.*  
  
(A/N: Going to present tense)  
  
Dib lay in a white bed, staring, unblinking, at the ceiling. His face stoic.  
  
*They thought it was me. How couldn't they? All signs pointed to me... but I didn't do it. I'm insane, am I? I suppose I now am... Since I lay here. They all think I'm insane.*  
  
~~~ But you are.~~~  
  
*I suppose I am. But who am I? I'm on so many pills now, that I can't seem to remember.*  
  
~~ You are yourself. You are the only.~~  
  
*Then who are you?*  
  
~~ I am you.~~  
  
*But aren't I myself?*  
  
~~ Yes. And I am also you.~~  
  
*How is that so?*  
  
~~~ Fall into my grace, and I shall tell you.~~~  
  
Dib closed his eyes, slowly, falling into a light sleep.  
  
Short, I know. Don't worry if it didn't make sense, it's not supposed to. ^_^() It'll be explained later. R & R!  
  
Oh. I'm at a kind of dilemma... I'm not sure if I should have Zim in a better disguise, or him turned into a human (Which I shall explain if you pick this).  
  
- Shang Hai 


	2. Red Like A Flower

Woot! Another chapter. Once again, sorry about any confusion, but It's kinda necessary. And sorry about the delay. FAR to busy to work on anything :(  
  
Shout outs!  
  
Cowboyinuyasha. ^_^ hello! Thank you my first reviewer! TY! I know it was a bit confusing, but It'll make sense this chapter or next. Better disguise? ^_^ okie dokie! TTYL!  
  
Celestial Star Mali. HI! Long time no Type-your-name! Actually, I'm a big fan of making Zim humanish ^_^() easier to explain... Certain... "Parts"... Oh, and Zim IS schizo... Much like me! ^_^ Hope you like this story!  
  
Kippixin. ^_^() Yeah. I'm really into the angsty suicide type stuff. Well, it really is up to you (my reviewers) what happens... That's why I put down the questions ^_^() I'm impartial. I like that quote. It's nice. And I liked that part of the chapter. ^_^() TY for getting on!  
  
Apoctawazzit DOOM. Hiya there! O_O You're right! Dibby DOES have voices like Johnny! ... But the voices aren't telling him to kill other pple. They're just trying to get him to kill himself. But I think Mr. Fuck was getting Johnny to do that... Or was it Mr. F? ::Shrug:: ^_^ But good observation. I missed that. ^_^ Ah! Another Zim-human fan! You'd like Rough Road to Self Awareness... But I don't wanna give away stuff ^_^(). Thanks for the review!  
  
Yuta. ::Salutes:: Yes Ma'am! ^_^ You hit the idea right on the mark! Stop reading my mind! Hehe ^_^ Hope this keeps you happy!  
  
DibMagician. Hi, again! ^_^ Another slash you felt like reading? I'm honored! ^_^ Thanks for the complement! Enjoy!  
  
Relcah Immortal. Hehe. How many names do you have? Lol ^_^ Good Dibby! Yes. Write ZADR! Increase the population! It's been dying off lately :( ^_^ Enjoy the story!  
  
And  
  
Nieni Woodland. ^_^ A new face. I really liked your review, cause it made me really giggle. "Zimmy-zim-zim" is the CUTEST sounding name in the world! ^_^ and Yaoi. I think yaoi should be a religion... I'd join it ^_^ hehe. ::Joins in the happy yaoi dance:: Hope you like the yaoi! ... Well... Shonen-ai ^_^()  
  
Warning: Insanity, pain, suffering, and ZADR in later chapters ^_^  
  
~~...~~ Voice 1 in head  
  
~~~...~~~ Voice 2 in head  
  
*...* thinking  
  
"..." speaking (duh)  
  
Thinking in Dib's POV  
  
Disclaimer: :( I wanna own... But I don't...  
  
Dib clawed viscously at his face, lashing out at anyone that came near him. The nurses tried their hardest to get his hands. A few nurses managed to hold down his legs, tying them to the railing of the bed, while a few more pull his nails away from his face, securing his arms to the railing, as well. Dib screams at them while pulling violently at the bonds. A nurse injected a sedative into his arm. Quickly, Dib's thrashing began to stop, and his eyes began to shut.  
  
*Why aren't they helping? I can't do this alone. I need help.*  
  
~~It's okay. Just relax.~~  
  
~~~You're insane. Why would they help you?~~~  
  
*Who are you?*  
  
~~~I am your conscience.~~~  
  
~~No. You are our doubt. You are sane, Dib. We are sane.~~  
  
~~~No. You are insane and might-as-well kill yourself.~~~  
  
~~You're sane. We're sane. You're just slightly confused. They love us. They love you. I love you.~~  
  
~~~No one loves you. That's why you're here. You killed them.~~~  
  
~~It wasn't you. Please, listen to me. Listen to us. We can survive this together.~~  
  
~~~You might-as-well die now. No one will help you. No one cares for you.~~~  
  
~~You still have your dreams, Dib.~~  
  
*I have no more dreams. They're nightmares. You both see them.*  
  
~~We can fix it. You and I can bring back the dreams. We can be whole again. We can stop the pain.~~  
  
~~~You will never win. Surrender unto me. Give in. End it all.~~~  
  
The nurses had left, leaving Dib to fall asleep on his own, every so often, pulling his arms and legs. A tiny trail of tears fell down his face, gently gliding around his mouth,  
  
"I need help..." he whispered as he fell into the world of nightmares.  
  
Zim stood right outside the door, watching. Dib mumbled to himself, quietly, not really making sense. He narrowed his eyes, stepping into the small room. Immediatly, his eyes scanned for any threats.  
  
Zim had grown over the years. He now stood at 6 feet (4 inches taller than Dib). The "skin condition" excuse , believe it or not, had begun to waver, so, in response to the growing number of questions, he was forced to make drastic changes.  
  
After he was asked, for the twentieth time that day, if his "skin condition" was ever going to clear up, Zim had charged out of the school. Dib had smiled victoriously after him.  
  
Zim had grumbled to himself, setting to work immediatly. He worked long and hard, creating his "revised perfect disguise".  
  
A few months later, a quite impressive disguise on his body (think Tak but with black hair, etc. ... And a guy ^_^()), Zim returned to school. The first thing he noticed was the lack of his rival. He pulled a random kid over, pushing him against the lockers, demanding where the "Stinky meat-child" was. The kid pushed back, adjusting his way-too-baggy clothes, and muttering something about a mental hospital in a really bad attempt at ghetto lingo. Zim glared, not quite understanding, as he stormed off to his first class, feeling, somehow, insulted.  
  
He looked around the room, but no obsession-filled amber eyes glared in his direction. He stood on the threshold of the classroom, as he had, uncharacteristically, looked around. His wondering was then interrupted by a happy voice behind him.  
  
"Oh! Zim! You're back!" Zim turned around, looking down at a shorter lady, "Actually, I need to talk to you." Zim knew this lady quite well, in fact. She was the latest counciler that was given the task of making Zim and Dib friends. All the other teachers, and staff for that matter, had discouraged her to take the position, but she had felt that everyone needed to be friends, and friends they would be. Zim hated it.  
  
*Great. Back to watching this psychotic human trying to make the Dib-monkey and I "best friends".* Zim sighed to himself as the counciler led him off, *At least I know where that human went... And I can watch his jaw drop when he sees just how brilliant I truly am!*  
  
Although Zim and Dib were sworn rivals, they'd both managed to agree on a few things. A main one had be how to deal with the long hours in councilers' offices. They had devised a little game where they would lead on that they were becoming friends, only to start something and "set their progress back". After awhile of this, the councilers would snap, and flee from the room, on the verge of tears, only to return later to dismiss them. One time, a counciler refused to go back into the same room as the two, and was forced to send a random teacher in to release the boys.  
  
Another thing they managed to agree on, was the length of their rivalry. It was a mutual idea that their rivalry was to last until one of them gave up, but neither were going to give up until the rivalry ended. So, in short, the rivalry was to last until one of them died, the Earth was enslaved, or one could not fight anymore.  
  
The lady led Zim through the halls. They stopped at her office where she had turned to him, smiling sadly before opening the door, and stepping in.  
  
Zim followed in after her, looking for the creature of all his problems. But, when no snide comment was sent his way, the superior smile slipped off of his face, and a confused one took over. He turned to the counciler,  
  
"Where's the Meat-headed child?" She looked at him sadly again, and shook her head,  
  
"Denial..." she muttered, sitting at her desk. Zim looked at her, confused, before sitting behind her desk. Zim took a second, racking his brain, before speaking again,  
  
"Why's he in Egypt?"** The councilor looked at him for a second, perplexed, before laughing softly. Zim just continued to look confused, until the laughing stopped.  
  
"Zim." She spoke quietly, "Do you want to talk about it?"  
  
"About...?" He urged for an answer.  
  
"The accident. It was probably so hard for you to bear, especially when you two were becoming such good friends."  
  
"What accident'?" She look at him in shock,  
  
"Do you really not know what happened, Zim?" Zim had shaken his head, "Here!" She pulled a newspaper clipping out of her desk drawer, handing it to Zim. Zim took it, reading the headline,  
  
Membrane and Daughter Killed; Insane Son Convicted' Zim stood up suddenly, putting the clipping on the counciler desk, and making his way to the door,  
  
"Crazy House?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
Zim stood down, positive no one was there, ready to ambush him with disection tools. Slowly, his gaze returned to the raven haired boy in the bed. He walked over, and looked down at him. Dib looked so helpless and small lying there, at the mercy of the fabric ties that were protecting him from himself. Red scrapes covered Dib's pale face where his nails were recently. Slowly, Zim reached out and traced a small one, before whipping his hand back, as if he had touched something hot. He glared at his hand, before turning it on his rival.  
  
"I guess I win. You forfeit your position." Zim turned swiftly to leave, but Dib's hand brushed against his skin. Zim went rigid, eyes wide in shock, before turning to face the shorter boy, again. Dib's mouth moved slightly, mumbling soft words,  
  
"Help me..." Zim just continued to stare.  
  
"That's not good."  
  
** Just a little joke. Zim thought the counciler said "The Nile" so he thought Dib was in Egypt... Sorry... Corny, I know... But it's late ^_^()  
  
Oh! What happened to Zimmy there? What does Dib need help from? ^_^ Review and you might find out! ^_^ Shaking from sleep deprivation.  
  
Special thanks to my beta! Neko-sama... Domo arigato! Domo DOMO arigato!  
  
What should I do next chap?  
  
Should I :  
  
Have stuff from inside Dib's dreams,  
  
or  
  
From Zim's end of this deranged tale?  
  
It's up to you... I have idea's for both!  
  
- Shang Hai 


	3. One More Time

Damn. Sorry for making you guys wait so long. Actually, within the time between the last time I posted and this, I've written 2.5 chapters to this story. ^_^ I'm SO into this story! Look for another update soon!  
  
Shout outs! Woo! Damn did I miss these ^_^  
  
Cowboyinuyasha. Cause you were the first to review to this chapter I mainly kept to your vote to write it from Dib's brain. ^_^ Aw... Huggeling Dibby-kun? Kawaii! Thanks!  
  
DibMagician. Woo!  
  
Yuta. ^_^ Wo... You are happy.Actually, I was contemplating switching back and forth between Dib and Zim, but I never seemed to get on that track... But chapter 5 is mostly about Zimmy ^_^ be happy! Thanks for reading!  
  
Damocles32. ^_^ Squee... You like a lot. ::Hugs fluffy ZADR fic:: ^_^ So fluffy... But yes, I feel like it's wronging Jhonen's naturally bleak outlook to make all slash fics happy and fluffy. But this doesn't quite go "Oh! Ha! Then the ending must be dreary! MWAHAHHAHAHAHHA!" No! The endings are happy... Just not bunny happy. Happy as in "And they didn't die." happy ^_^ and NO! I'm definitely not ditzing fluf! I love it! All I'm saying is I'm honoring Jhonen in this piece... That's all ^_^ Oh yeah... Get a cable modem, Matt!  
  
-_- Only 4? I feel kinda saddened. C'Mon pple! Tell your friends about this story! C'mon! More reviews means more motivation... FEED MY OBSESSION!!!!!!!!! ::Get a frying pan thrown at her head::  
  
SH's mom: If you want to feed "Obsession" so bad, make the food your self!  
  
... -_-...  
  
Okay... Enough ranting...  
  
Chapter 3  
  
Warning: Damn is this a violent chapter...  
  
Disclaimer: Damn do I want to own... Damn do I like the word "damn" today ^_^()  
  
Dib opened his eyes slowly, taking in the bleak scenery around him. Sighing audibly, he staggered to his feet, leaning against a tree for support. He looked around half-heatedly.  
  
He could see for miles, being on the highest point. The sky was grey with the threat of bitter cold rain, and the only thing taller than him was the massive dead tree that stood right next to him. Closing his eyes, a cool wind blew across his face.  
  
"I'm here again..."  
  
"Where else do you would go?" Dib looked up into the tree, slowly. Staring down were a pair of menacing, blood red eyes. Dib smiled a dejected smile,  
  
Cheshier cat?" Sunlight glistened off of the fangs.  
  
"Why yes, my Alice." Dib smiled absently, retaking his seat under the tree. The demon-like cat snaked down, coming to rest in front of the boy.  
  
"You look pleasant today." Dib leaned back,   
  
"I'm on quite a number of drugs, Chesier." Another toothy grin,  
  
"You are quite fond of that name, boy."  
  
"I figure it fits you. If you don't like it, why don't you tell me your name?"  
  
"If you want to know my name... name me." Dib looked at the demon, confused, "All I'm saying, is that you know everything that has happened, everything that is happening, and everything that will happen in this world."  
  
"I believe you're speaking in riddles."  
  
"Aren't you a bright one..." Thunder rumbled in the distance.  
  
"My drugs are wearing off. I'm going to wake up now." Dib stated, standing up.  
  
"Farewell, my Alice" The cat spoke, disappearing slowly. Dib continued to stare at the spot the cat had just occupied, before collapsing in pain  
  
Oh god! It hurts so much!'  
  
**  
  
Nurses ran into the room.  
  
"Get him untied!" One screamed, pulling roughly on the nylon ties, as Dib writhered violently on the bed. Finally, the bondage came loose. Dib jerked up, retching over the side of the bed. Bile and stomach acid splattered onto the floor, immediately polluting the air with their stench. Dib laid, dry-heaving, tears burning in his wide, amber eyes. When the convolutions stopped, he slumped down on the railing of his bed. He lay, panting, as a nurse slipped behind him.  
  
Why does it hurt so bad? What happened?!' he wondered absently through his dream-like fog. His eyes burned, his skin crawled, and his throat was raw, but the only pain his mind seemed to register was the one coming from his arm. Slowly, Dib turned and stared at a young nurse. She stood only a foot away, wide-eyed in fear, and on the verge of tears. His eyes started clearing the blurry image in front of him. About five feet behind the young nurse, stood a few of the older ones... The experienced. His eyes then shifted toward them, staring idly. One of them spoke,  
  
"Back away, child. Back away slowly." She said quietly. Dib just continued to stare, eyes shifting back to the girl next to him.  
  
Why should she back away? What's going on?' He turned his arm slowly, looking down at it. Protruding into the pale flesh of his upper arm was a needle, gleaming in the fluorescent light. Contorting his free arm, he reached up and dislodged it from his skin, eyes hallow and unblinking. He put it up in front of his eyes, staring at it, rolling it between his fingers. The women just stood, rooted to the ground, watching the frayed child examine the needle. Seeing no immediate danger in this action, the nurses started to calm down again, until the needle slipped. Dib winced as the sharp metal slipped into his skin, only to, moments later, fall lifelessly onto the bed. The empty eyes looked at the dripping crimson seeping out of the tiny cut in his thumb. He brought his hand up toward his face, laboredly, until his tongue could reach the forming blood. He sat there, sliding the pink muscle over the small slit. The nurses watched, unsure what to do, until Dib's hand fell from his mouth, and his eyes began to close. The women breathed a sigh of relief, starting to walk away. Suddenly, Dib flung himself at them, clawing madly; his bed toppling over with the sheer force. Dib crashed to the ground. He lay there, stunned for a moment, as the nurses scrambled for the door. Launching himself forward, Dib grasped a hold of one of their skirts. The youngest nurse screamed, trying desperately to dislodge the nails that were spearing through the fabric. Now that the ice was broken, the nurses went into full action mode. Two of them ran into the hallway, calling for help, while the other two ran to the assistance of the fifth nurse. Screams of panic and cries for help echoed through the halls. The white fabric ripped as the young nurse's foot collided with Dib's head, causing him to fall to the ground with a sickening crack.  
  
^_^ Well, wasn't that violent? Okay. Got a serous headache and my eyes burn, so I'm gunna keep this simple. R & R! The next chapter's all ready written, but I gotta type it. I'm gunna try to get it up before Christmas, and the 5th chap. will probably be my Christmas present to you all. ^_^ So I'll be putting it up on Christmas. Chapter 5 is actually the start of the actual plot. ^_^ The end to all this palliminary crap. ^_~ Hope I've confused you more!  
  
- Shang Hai 


	4. But I Can't Stop

Ugh... 4:30 AM and I'm kinda starting to fall asleep -_- I really should have been in bed 5 hours ago, but I've been working on 3 stories, so...  
  
Shout outs!  
  
DibMagician. Ooh--- it was very creepy, wasn't it? Ugh... Thank you for the spelling. My friends and I sat there for hours trying to figure out the spelling. Thanks for the review!  
  
Yuta. Uh... By "oniric" do you mean "ironic"? Uh... Either way, no... But he IS a major part ^_^. Thanks for reading!  
  
Cowboyinuyasha. I hope to get a bit more mysterious and violent later on... I mean, this IS under horror ^_~. Well, it's been about 6 months since I came up with this idea, so I'm going with whatever I can remember. One day I was bored and decided to replay "American McGee's Alice" Oh, yes was it fun... Anyway, that night, around 3 AM, I decided to draw my own demented cat. This gave birth to the "Cheshire" ^_^ And then, magicly, I came up with this story... OH YEAH! The gnomes helped, too. ^_^  
  
Zimmydoom99. Woo! ^_^ You like! Yes! Virtual cookies! ::Eats one:: ^_^ Mmmmm------- Oh... And don't worry bout Dibby ^_~ I don't write pure angst! For you, my newest reviewer, a box of noodles! ::Hands you box of noodles:: TY!  
  
Firebird5. Yo, Firebird5! I really didn't explain what happened to Dibby, did I? Okay, this is it! Dibby's been pretty unstable since the main part of his life (Zim) disappeared. Then, when he saw his father and sister (the only remaining parts of his life) lying there, dead, and the blame put on him, he snapped. Fun, ne? Well, I have yet to be put in a mental ward so I didn't know that. The 5th chapter is the last time a nurse is even mentioned (till later), and there is no more reference to their outfits at all. Here! ^_^ ::Gives Firebird5 a box of noodles:: For you!  
  
S.a. Hehe... ^_^ Thanks a lot! Here's the next chap!  
  
P.S. CHERRY FIZWIZ!!!!!!!  
  
P.P.S. Hey! You pple that put me on your author alert list! Review! I have no idea who you are!  
  
Dib continued to glare at the doctor that sat, in a chair, in a chair, toward the end of his bed.  
  
"Now, what caused you to act that way, Dib?" He asked in his usual `I'm sane and you're not' tone. Dib's glare depend as a small pout formed on his lips.  
  
Do you think I can wiggle my arms free and strangle that bastard?'  
  
~No.~ Was the chorused reply.  
  
Damn'  
  
"What do you think caused me to do that?" he doctor let out an annoyed sigh,  
  
"What I think happened doesn't matter. What matters is what really happened, Dib."  
  
"Humor me." Another exasperated sigh escaped the doctor's lips as he leaned forward and rested on his knees.  
  
"I'd say, " He started, "That you're suffering from multiple personalities." Dib laughed loudly, making a buzzer noise before deepening the glare even more,  
  
"No, I'm afraid that was incorrect. The correct answer is..." At that point his voice raised in volume, "You fuckin' drugs are driving me insane!" The man didn't even flinch as Dib pulled threatening on his restraints.  
  
Realizing that the noises weren't striking fear into the heart of the doctor, Dib slowly ceased and resorted to once to, once again, glaring. They sat in silence for a few minutes until the doctor cleared his throat and leaded back,  
  
"But you've felt the pain before the medicine, and during the medicine. Which hurts less?"  
  
"Well," he growled, "When off the drugs, I have the urge to constantly puke... But it's probably just withdrawal. But while on the drugs, I'm so lost in a delusion world that, pretty soon, I'll be completely trapped in." The doctor just continued to look at him with that unwavering stare. A loud beeping suddenly cut through the silence. The man stood, pulling out a small pager, examining it, and then putting it away, walking toward the door.  
  
"We'll see what we can do about those delusions."  
  
This glare must be burning a hole through his head by now...'  
  
~~Stop it.~~  
  
~~~Hehe...~~~ Dib was left sitting alone, glaring at the wall until he sunk back into his bed, eyes groggily closing.  
  
Dib opened his eyes to the same scenery as always, but this time, he could feel more. He could feel the air weigh heavy on his chest, and see his breath billow in front of him. He rubbed his arms roughly, trying to relinquish the cold from his skin. Finding no real comfort in this action, he staggered over to the large tree and sat down, curling up slightly,  
  
"Why is it so cold, right?" Vigorous nodding came from the shivering boy. The cat crawled over, sitting, defiantly, in front of him,  
  
"Do you really want to know the answer?" Dib shut his eyes, allowing the salty water to drip down his face.  
  
"I'll take that as a yes. What's happening is that you are gradually becoming part of this world, receding into your own mind." Dib opened his mouth, attempting to interject, "It's always been this cold here, but you're just feeling it now, because now, your mind is making it real. This is merely a fail safe your mind is creating to save you from the pain of the real truth and the forged truth." It came to rest next to the boy, looking up.  
  
"You do know it doesn't have to be this cold, right?" Dib stared at the feline.  
  
"Get up." Dib stood shakily, and followed the demon.  
  
Woo! I'm sorry I haven't been updating, but I'm trying, desperately, to finish the 5th chapter. Right now, it's about 10 pages long (in my notebook... And I write TINY!) and I'm attempting to find a place to cut it. If I can't find one, be ready for a long read ^_~  
  
If anyone want a copy of my picture of the demon cat, I can send you one. Either my black and while original, or a prototype colored one. (If you ask for the black and white, you also get a sneak peak at a future chari ^_^)  
  
Anyway... How do you guys want this to end? Happy? Sad? I have ideas for both, so... ^_^  
  
If you read "Dishwasher", look for an update tonight!  
  
- Shang Hai 


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